I've been on hiatus with a knee replacement, a much bigger project than I anticipated. In the interim my reading audience has most probably been entertained reading the reviews of a book written by an American living in France called "Bringing Up Bèbè," or somesuch. Always beats me how these individuals find the most banal subjects, write a lot of palaver, stir up opinions, & sell enough copies to get rich.
I've been asked to comment on not only this book, but the one that came out by Tiger Mom. Sure enough I know enough about both French and Oriental cultures to comment, but to what end? As I pointed out in one of my posts, "Going Native," our strategy was always to go with the flow in whatever country we found ourselves. Sometimes, as you've perhaps noted, our stays were very brief, but it behooved us to "go native" because things would just work out better.
Chinese Tiger Mom more or less represents the way that mainstream (Asian) society rears its offsprings. The focus is on achievement, competition, and psychological toughness in societies where the top spots are so few for the teeming hoards. This produces a society which is regimented, stratified, hardworking, productive. Paradoxically, these societies manifest cut-throat agressivity and humility. (More on this in later posts.) Most families are reasonable in ambitions for their children, but they at least want social conformity for the preservation of social face, a suitable formal education, & an occupation with wages to live honorably. Just this much exerts an enormous pressure on Asian parents to produce good children.
Once I left the fishbowl called France to live in Singapore I discovered that l'éducation française is not so different from most European countries. I would even say that childrearing in most of the British Commonwealth is about the same, if not more exacting. I offer as example the Tanglin Club, dating back from the English colonial days of Malaya, which had rules for children that expats of most other nationalities found harsh. There were certain rooms where children were never allowed, and certain times that kid-friendly places (pool?) were strictly off-limits. The saying went, "If you join the Tanglin Club be prepared to tether your kids to the gargoyles at the club entrance." I did not find old style European education, or old style American upbringing for that matter, in contradiction with the Asian style of my amahs: healthy routines, chores, consequences, rewards, respect for all elders, good table and social manners, self-direction, playing with other children/siblings with kindness and fairness. (Did I forget something?) Oh yes, children are granted favors and rewards by parents and caretakers. They may not demand anything. Note: Preschoolers are given no choices; school age children are given limited choices.
I'll keep it short for the American style. By the late 70's American childrearing had already departed from the above old world scenarios. In France I had already heard the phrase L'Enfant Roi (the child king) many times & in many venues. Americans in Singapore had the reputation for out-of-control, spoiled brats which leaked out from their servants and the few non-American expats who rubbed with them socially.*
The Darcy philosophy of éducation was most likely formed in Singapore when our family was very young. Recall that when we arrived #1 was 6 years old and I had my 5th boy a few months after we arrived. For the next 7 years we functioned in an Asian world of four distinct ethnics (Chinese, Malay, Indian, Eurasian) in a small city state which invited expatriates to come, live lavishly, and contribute to the booming economy. We functioned with one foot in the French community (& to a lesser degree many other expat groups) and the other foot with the natives. We chose to think independently, taking the best from each culture and to reject what we didn't like. We allowed our amahs a lot of autonomy with discipline. They usually didn't smack them because the explosive "Pah!" was enough to keep them in line. The result was that the boys survived handily; hence they were so easy to manage that we could take them everywhere and do everything we wanted.
A bit more on this....During this period we employed two superb amahs, one Chinese and one Malay. Without any degrees in Early Childhood they were extremely savvy about training small children. We could only guess that, although Chinese and Malay are two distinct cultures, there was some similar heritage which resulted in a similar view of childrearing. After the Chinese amah left there was a short period of instability with a succession of inferior amahs. Both parents & small boys were in equal disarray. The equilibrium of our lives was only reinstated when the super Malay came aboard. I guess you could say that these women were "Hazels" of a sort.** We were made aware of some criticism of our "strong amah" policy.
As products of the Far West, we were never able to espouse the grueling competitiveness and self-effacing nature of oriental childrearing. Kids in tow is one thing, while the "kowtowed" child seemed stifled. We always loved the kookiness, the chaos, the blossoming of the individual child. We rejected certain forms of control & conformity which are embedded in the British/European style, but we liked its emphasis on sound routines, respect for adults, & manners. Within this framework we hoped each of our boys would accomplish academically, enjoy sports of choice, & develop his unique talents. I think we accomplished this, as only two of the seven did the same professional school, law; however, they have chosen different paths of practice. The other 5 are in 5 completely different professions. We didn't have to worry very much about sibling rivalry because each boy was busy fulfilling his own destiny.
Be advised that this exposé is cursory & that many points could be an essay subject on its own. What I said about Americans is probably a reputation which unfortunately has been made by the "bad apples." I know of many more excellent American parents than derelict ones, who have produced offsprings of envious quality. Be reminded, also, that I am referring back to the 70's. I'll leave it to the reader to assess the childrearing situation of the present day.
*I heard more than once the pronouncement, "They don't rear their children!" ---in English, French, & Singapore English which was spoken in condemnation. At that time expat families had a reputation to protect. In our case we were particularly vulnerable because we had so many boys who could have been holy terrors.
**"Hazel" was a maid who ruled the household. It was a popular a one-frame cartoon that ran in the 50's & 60's before it became a short-lived sitcom.
**"Hazel" was a maid who ruled the household. It was a popular a one-frame cartoon that ran in the 50's & 60's before it became a short-lived sitcom.
Note: You'll recall a few years later, the Singapore government actually imposed several strokes of the cane for an unruly American teen who had been found guilty of committing an act of vandalism. Some Americans were quite vocal in opposition to the punishment. Singapore penal system did not back down.
