From Russia with Love III: St. Petersburg

The Peterhof Expedition

She never knew what she was in for. Note the speed boats back left.

THE PETERHOF is another whipped cream monster palace located some distance from the Hermitage. Visitors usually reach it by boat, although we learned very late that there was also a bus. None of the tourist info nor the hotel concierge ever indicated this possibility. It was only by boat, and touted as the “must-must do” in St. Petersburg because of the fabulous fountains. 

JJ was simply ecstatic about our afternoon excursion. I can only guess that such grandeur awakens in him visions of  the glory days of Versailles. After all, don’t we all realize that Catherine II the Great brought French language and culture to the Russian court? Didn’t such French influence endure until the 1917 revolution? Since then, not even the proletariat masses have ever mustered the nerve to destroy these vestiges of la noblesse russe!  St. Petersburg maintains its historic district which covers several acres, & draws plenty of income from it. It is by far the tourist mecca of Russia, & not Moscow. Face it! That’s really what draws tourists everywhere in Europe, whether foreign or in-state: old stones & their (hi)stories.

JJ had been instructed to catch the Peterhof Express on the quay just in front of the Hermitage docked on the Neva River. Hawkers with megaphones were always advertising canal tours on smaller crafts, but also the above mentioned express, a much bigger craft. JJ dutifully purchased 2 tickets @ 500 rubles, but noticed right away that he’d only purchased one-way! When he asked to purchase round trip, he was informed that it was not possible, & that return tickets @ 300 rubles could be purchased at ticket booth #5 at the Peterhof quay prior to return. (Aha! Stuck!) I’ll tell you later about how this played out…

Take it seriously when Russians use the word "express." The boat ride was so wildly fast and fun that riders had to stay inside, protected all around by plexiglass. Upon arrival we had to walk a couple of kilometers on the quay toward a station of several ticket booths. To one side we could see a wooden cafe with a terrace of tables. We never thought twice that this might be the only oasis with toilets! JJ the good European took no exception to the double allee** before us, several kilometers long, again leading to what we could see: those devine fountains beckoning in the distance. “Good grief!” I thought. “Is this it?” Behind the magnificent fountains rose up another gigantic, gilded palace with tourettes and “onions.” I know, I know. How ungrateful I must be. But, honestly all I saw was the grand promenade for arriving at the fountains.

(I remind the reader that we’d already walked about 10 kilometers in the morning for the Hermitage expedition!) 

Do you get an idea of the distances?

To get into the park we had to purchase expensive tickets @ 900 rubles for 2, which would not allow us to go inside the palace. That would require another equally expensive ticket which JJ declined. (I never cried over this, as it would require infinitely more walking and stair-climbing.) Hence, we treaded forward, gazed upon the extravagant fountains, & I took photos. Once satiated we then continued in another direction where we discovered architecturally designed gardens in bloom with colorful tulips… and more fountains. 

Fountains....

And more fountains

And more fountains

I kept hoping to find a restroom, but passing only gardens & fountains. Each time we inquired, the park employees pointed to a sign with arrows that read “TOITOI,” or some such. Never forget that all signs were in Cyrillic alphabet, & no translations in English. Onward we walked & walked. At the end, after several more kilometers we found another café-terrace. What did it offer as a toi-toi? Two port-a-lets! A third was padlocked. This is what was available to hundreds of Peterhof visitors roaming inside the park.  As I said before: Stuck! No trees, no bushes, & lots of people walking around. It was the port-a-let or nothing. (Throw-up time!) Needless to say, we surely felt no obligation to pay for a drink.












I kept hoping to find a restroom, but passing only gardens & fountains. Each time we inquired, the park employees pointed to a sign with arrows that read “TOITOI,” or some such. Never forget that all signs were in Cyrillic alphabet, & no translations in English. Onward we walked & walked. At the end, after several more kilometers we found another café-terrace. What did it offer as a toi-toi? Two port-a-lets! A third was padlocked. This is what was available to hundreds of Peterhof visitors roaming inside the park.  As I said before: Stuck! No trees, no bushes, & lots of people walking around. It was the port-a-let or nothing. (Throw-up time!) Needless to say, we surely felt no obligation to pay for a drink.

Notice the padlock on the ToiToi behind JJ.

(I apologize, but this tale isn’t over.)


The trek back to the ticket booths was painfully long.  Nevertheless,  with a few stops on the sparsely supplied benches we finally made it. Booth #5 was conveniently closed. The only other two booths which were opened charged 500 rubles each (this would make 400 rubles more!) because, as they explained, they were a different speedboat company. JJ & I were feeling pretty fleeced by this time. But, as life would have it, we struck up a conversation with a French couple who was also waiting for the next boat back. We learned from them that foreign tourists always paid more for most tickets. The old trick of highjacking tourists for the return fare was de rigeur.** In this phenomenon even the Russian tourists got no special treatment, as you shall see. But, at this point the French couple merely shrugged and said we should accept a different system. JJ & I were not accepting, only fuming. 

Our return tickets specified 5:30 p.m. We four trudged forward to join the queue on the quay. As we waited civilly about 50 Japanese tourists, who were not in line and just arrived, were allowed to board the boat. At 150 capacity, the patient 5:30 bunch, about 50, were not allowed to board. We must wait another hour until the next boat at 630! At that point the French couple began to "smoke." Armed with righteous indignation Madame la française, who spoke fluent Russian, went to complain to the boat company employees. There was a big beefy guy wearing a leather jacket with “Security”*** on it, who was already fending off irate protestors. The Russians, especially  the women, kept up the insults and jeers. It was very exciting. Imagine! Almost participating in a proletarian riot. I was hoping that “Mr. Security” was going to be pushed into the Neva along with his prissy female gangplank-guard. Madame la française reported her as saying, “Well, if you don’t like it, retrieve your money and go take the bus.” What bus? Who knew about that? Did we really believe the boat company would return our rubles? By this time the travel costs added up to 2000 rubles.**** 

When the next  speedboat arrived, the now impatient 6:30-bunch crushed around the gate,  closing the gaps for sidling cheaters. I’m sure that Mr. Security & Miss Gangplank Guard go through this scene everyday. They must be totally inured & are merely playing a part. They have been instructed to privilege big tour groups at the expense of independent riders. Moreover, the speedboat companies have worked out a way to share ill-gotten return ticket profits. As my personal program of revenge, all I can do is advise you: 

1. Avoid the Peterhof, unless you love walking & paying a lot for the privilege. 
2. Look it up in National Geographic, or obtain a coffee table picture book and you’ll come out better

I hope you were able to keep up with the tally of rubles, as I tried to explain. All in all, the Peterhof expedition cost about $100. It’s one of those times that the money spent will remind us of a painful experience. And yet, if everything had been perfect I would have nary a tale to tell, now would I?

*Double-wide walkway with a canal separator--to aliment the fountains, of course 

** in rigorous practice

*** We thought it was curious that his title was in English!”

**** 30 roubles = $1