The Utmost in Uttenheim

There really isn’t much to tell about the ride on the TGV. It was smooth, fast, and fun. We arrived at about noon-thirty at the Strasbourg station. All the excitement of the early morning was forgotten. The 5 of us were ready to obtain our rental car & drive to the gîte in Uttemheim about a half-hour’s drive south. As chance would have it when we followed the arrows to the Europcar concession it was closed, as was Avis and Hertz. There was a tiny note posted which said that the new premises were across the street next to a hotel. We dutifully treked across the grande place, luggage and all, only to find another note: “Out for Lunch. Re-opening at 2:00 p.m.” By now it was one o'clock, so we decided to get crêpes on la grande place. This project handily used up the hour & satisfied a hunger we had forgotten about in all the excitement. The kids were pretty sticky and decorated with chocolate mouths, and the adults were only slightly less so. (Note: Be sure to arm yourself with wet-wipes. Mine were already on the verge of evaporation.) When we returned to the concession there were a bunch of people waiting, but mercifully the young Europcar team was patient, polite and efficient. Soon we were all packed up and on our way in a roomy Renault Scenic, complete with two booster seats for Lou Henry, 7 and Claire, 4. That was the first and last time they used those stupid booster seats. For the rest of the trip they merely clipped their own seat belts & were much more comfortable and secure.


(Here I need to give you some information or you won’t understand the rest of the story. JJ with #3’s approval always rent a gîte rural, or vacation house, that is rated trois épis , or 3 ears of wheat, similar to a certain number of stars, dollar signs, or forks. This rating assures us that there will be certain amenities, i.e., dishwasher, clothes washer, Wifi, TV, generous number of bedrooms and beds, sheets and towels, plumbing & electricity in working order. Now on the site, there is also a virtual tour with photos to entice prospective renters, as well as to prove that the rating doesn’t lie. It is important to understand, as we have learned over time, that the proprietors have fixed up their rental houses, whether by themselves or by proxy. And that, most important, it hasn’t been done well, or most certainly it has been done on the cheap. A gîtes rural always, without exception, comes with surprises, or a special set of issues.)

View into spacious, tiled dining room from the entry. Stairs going up to 1st floor

We were supposed to take possession of the gîte at 4 o’clock. JJ called the proprietor, asked for directions, and told him we were on our way. As I said before, it was only a half-hour away. JJ called about 2:30. Now, said proprietor probably knew that we would be showing up earlier than 4 o’clock as scheduled. Nevertheless, 4 o’clock is what was planned. So, when we called him a second time to notify him that we were waiting in front of the gîte, he made us wait until 4 o’clock before meeting us to hand over the keys and walk us through the house & give instructions. (Remember, Alsatians are half Teutonic people.) He asked if we had brought our towels. I said no. Then he asked if I’d read the instructions about gîte rentals where it said we must bring our own towels. I told him we never brought them in our luggage from overseas. I could tell that he suddenly knew that it was asking a bit too much, so he said that for this one time he would make an exception and lend us a few. Of course, I thanked him profusely. Did he really think we would be returning another time? 

As gîtes go this one was roomy and had lots of beds. We gave our kids and grands the upstairs quarters while the old couple took the one bedroom downstairs with an oversized single lodged in the corner. I lived to regret my generosity. While JJ & I still sleep on a traditional double at home, the oversized single is not even the odd “three-quarter” size of yore. Ol’ JJ had a great time saying, “Girl, go to your corner!” The night was fraught with crushing mishaps & very little repose. 

Next to the coffeemaker is the camouflaged, non-working fridge. That's the famous plug.

Right away what looked to be perfect revealed its little idiosyncrasies. Here are a few. 

1. The upstairs toilet did not really flush. It had a system of just opening the spigot & letting water flow through the toilet bowl. Just guess what never got flushed!
2. There was one single plug on the backsplash of the kitchen counter for the coffeemaker, toaster, & microwave. It was the devil to pull out and replug: instant muscle-building! 
3. We were trying to finish watching the Roland Garros or watch anything else that was interesting on TV. I guess the kid cartoons in the morning were the most successful. It was almost impossible to keep an image with sound.  The French system for turning on a TV requires 2 remotes & some technical genius... which neither JJ or nor me possesses.
4. The WiFi could only be accessed on the back porch, open to the elements since the signal was coming from the proprietor’s house about 50 yards to the rear. It was always pretty weak and iffy. The week we were in Alsace it rained all the time & it was about 60 degrees or less. We sometimes needed jackets and an umbrella to use our computers.
5. There was a “dead” fridge in the kitchen that we could use for food storage. Actually, it was nice because it was sealed. Any items the least bit sweet left on the countertops attracted these healthy-sized black ants who came marching en mass in less than a minute from no-where. Calinda was shocked until she observed first hand how fast & “intelligent” these ants were.

Through the back door is the computer "room."

The fact that the proprietor was on the property had its advantages and disadvantages. When we needed something clarified he was there to ask, as he was always raking leaves in the yard. However, he was also there to do us in. Such was the case when #3 & Calinda were returning from Strasbourg where they had been attending a neuro-symposium & we were on our way back after a day of touring: the iron gate was locked. The proprietor had assured us that the community of Uttenheim was quite peaceable & devoid of mischief or crime. We assumed that it would be okay just to leave things unlocked because there weren’t but one set of keys & two different parties needed to be able to get in. No way! Handy Andy, the proprietor locked us out! No one had thought to take the only set of keys. There we were, all of us, right on “Main Street” looking like a bunch of nimbuses.  It was only when JJ had the bright idea to ask the neighbor if he could open the iron gate for us that we could enter. Luckily, Handy Andy hadn’t locked the house. Of course, he showed up a few minutes at end of this episode & apologized profusely...but I don’t think he really meant it. He kept saying, “I did that for your protection!” Another instant when I had the urge to kill.

I always close-out with JJ…. who usually just disappears while I’m negotiating the fine points with the landlord. This is when I think the French are at their best. They are usually extremely reasonable & fair. (No kidding!) Although in this case nothing was broken or permanently soiled, we were leaving some food-stuff that couldn’t travel. The proprietor could either enjoy it himself or leave it for the next set of renters who were coming in that afternoon. For this he traded off for the extra kilowatts over the amount allowed. Now, wasn’t that nice? 

The kicker here is that #3 and Calinda think they should rent the next gîte rural. Poor JJ has been fired for incompetence! (Mostly it was the no-flush toilet & the ants.)  We wish this new team all the best. We are certain it will avoid all the usual pitfalls.

View from the dining room into the Salon (living room) with TV. JJ finally gave up and read the Guide Michlin.